14.03.13 I am not the problem, they are! Issues with others.

They were by far the most socially inept bunch, obviously placed together by some ill twist of fate and with my luck they became mine. Fresh out of University in 2010, I came to work in the East-West corridor, a far cry from the rural area I had been born and raised in. I was running from something and the northern part of the country at the time was the furthest place I could run to. I had no expectations really, after five grueling years of study I was ready to get back to work. I was ready to put into practice those strategies we covered extensively at UTT. Assessment and Management, Mathematics, Science, Social Studies and Language Arts.

Nothing I covered at University prepared me for what I was to meet. Twenty four students, a small class by the standards of the school. The largest I had ever taught. Somehow it seemed they had not negotiated the first four stages of Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages efficiently and as such were maladjusted. There was mistrust, they didn't think that any adult in the educational system at least had their well being at heart. They doubted their abilities and did not think that they were capable of accomplishing anything, even the simplest of tasks. They lacked initiative and simply refused to attempt anything new and out of what htey were used to. And finally they had serious inferiority complexes. It was amazing to me and overwhelming as well that such a situation would exist with an ENTIRE class of students. Not only did they have conflict within themselves, feelings of low self worth and low self efficacy, born out of flaws in the educational system, but they also had issues with each other. Most of these children had spent their entire primary academic life together yet there was a habit of verbal abusiveness, chronic complaining, teasing, tattling and overall resistant behaviour.

Their parents didn't help the situation either, if anything they compounded the problem. For example, I asked a parent to meet with me concerning her child's social ineptitude. Before I could even go into the issues I had with her daughter she proceeds to tell me of instances which had occurred in first and second years. She continually made references to these and even began crying as if to prove how badly hurt she and her child were by all of this.

At the end of the academic year however, I saw growth and improvement in their interaction with each other. This stemming from the fact that I treated each of them fairly and made them feel as if they were worth something to me. (and they were) We established rules for the class as well as consequences for their actions. I was able to identify the pupils who were the catalyst for classroom disruptions and gave them various leadership roles thereby channeling their abilities in a different direction.  I created an environment where they were free to express themselves and their feelings, without the negativity and without snickering and jesting from their peers. I even played sport and interacted with them on a level that wasn't just about me being the teacher and the sole individual of authority but I was also their friend and I wanted them to be comfortable enough with me to come and speak to me about anything which was troubling them.

These children have now gone on to secondary school and I was proud to see them go because when they left the school two years after I had interacted with them, I know they left better suited to fit into the moral fabric of society and in years to come would be functional adults. 

28.02.13 Who am I? My struggles with self.

2.25am

Rage claws at its self made cage, To get out, to stay in!

The anger wells up, spilling over. An abscess festering and rank. 

Play and replay, a vicious, punishing tool- the mind.

The averse victim. Why this sentence? What was the crime?

Confusion shares this cruel space, off in a corner, displaced.

Would things have been different, if...if...and if...?

Embattled, embittered this soul plagued and distressed

How? When? Why? The paradigm shift!

The fake smile plastered onto a resilient spirit,

Masks the rage and confusion, keeps them at bay.

Their battles pacified semi-permanently.

Will they emerge? Will they overpower her one day? 

Victoria Avian Rajkumar

21.02.13 Gone too soon?

The song by Puff Daddy and Faith Evans for the rapper the late Notorious BIG, "I'll be missing you." succinctly pulls together the feelings of loss experienced by anyone who has ever had to deal with the death of a loved one. My father lost his biological mother at a very young age and while many heralded the new year with eagerness for bright things to come, my family had to deal with anguish, loss, confusion and pain. My father's eldest sister died in her sleep at the age of 65, her demise came with no fore warning, she was alive and lively just hours before and the next thing I know is I am jolted out of my bed on the first day of the new school term with news that she had passed away. The loss of my aunt was the hardest one we have had to deal with collectively. She was the surrogate mother to all of her siblings and for a number of years I thought she was my grandmother, since she had grandchildren who were in and around my own age. Something about today made me not feel like going to class and as I entered and heard the discussion it dawned on me. Today my aunt would have celebrated her sixty sixth birthday, only last year we celebrated with the pomp and flair my family is known for, her sixty fifth. It's hard not having the matriarch of my paternal family around. I look at my forty two year old cousin, the one who had the unfortunate role of being the first to find my aunt's lifeless body and realize that Kubler-Ross Stages of grief aren't limited by boundaries of age, class, creed or gender. I know that as family members we try to cushion the loss especially for him by trying to comfort each other, spending time together and trying to continue with life as normal as possible. But the truth of the matter is, life will never be the same again. Family gatherings will never be the same again. "Limes" will never be the same again and at some point in time we are all going to have to come to terms with that. Today however doesn't seem as if it's going to be that day. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc2K10CrThw

07.02.13 Bottom's up?

I'll drink to that!

Cheers to the weekend, cheers to ah new year

Cheers just cuz is Friday, Pass me a beer.

Bottoms up and glasses raised,

Let's drink and be merry, get with the craze.

A shot fuh de worms never hurt even a child,

Two shots, you're a teenager but no need to run wild.

A sip to help you study better, two sips to aid with sleep.

Before you even know it, you're in way too deep.

"Rum is meh lover, closer than ah bother."

It will never horn me, it will never leave me.

Ah bottle, ah nip, ah half to make you laugh

You find reasons to make glasses clink.

Your wallet is empty and your tabs are high,

You can try all you want but you can't deny,

That shot for the worms started your demise.

Do you really always need alcohol to socialize?

Victoria Avian Rajkumar 

31.01.13 Please don't touch me there.

My mother's family is extremely close, my father's is as well but I don't quite think they come anywhere near to the bonds which exist within my mother's family. I spent the greater part of my life at the home of my maternal grandparents, so much so that my grandmother counts me as her ninth child and not the eldest grand. My grandfather was a wonderful man but were it not for my grandmother's influence in his life things may have been different. She instilled in her three sons and five daughters excellent work ethics and a positive attitude towards life. My grandparents advocated for education and ensured their children were never cheated of any opportunities to excel. They also identified in their children respective strengths and weaknesses and encouraged them in areas where the strengths would be utilized and weaknesses would not be a hindrance.

As the years went by my aunts and uncles began spreading out into the world, some migrated while others remained in Trinidad but moved to other communities. One aunt in particular got married to a friend of an uncle who was from Gasparillo. When he was first introduced to my family he was by the contemporary definition, full of swag. He was always dressed to the nines and well embellished with gold jewellery. A few years after marriage however my uncle came to consider Jesus as His personal Lord and Saviour. He became a religious fanatic almost overnight. He gave all of his jewellery to the church, my aunt had to do the same. She went from wearing about five earrings in each ear to none at all. The church they began attending didn't believe women should wear makeup or trousers and as such my aunt now had to don skirts at every occasion. My second generation Christian grandparents accepted this new change with a grain of salt. My uncle would express his views on our particular "Christianity' and try to indoctrinate my family into his supposedly far superior form. He was also actively involved in his church's leadership and had started developing a close relationship with his pastor.

I believe it were for my aunt's sake my family tolerated my uncle's fanaticism. Because of the closeness aforementioned which existed within my family and the proximity of Gasparillo to my family's home in New Grant they would visit almost every weekend. Yet in spite of the frequency of their visits we were always encouraged to hug and kiss my uncle, aunt and as time passed, my two younger female cousins. This I did with no hesitation or reservations whatsoever. I was always overjoyed to see my uncle, aunt and cousins. This changed suddenly one unexpected day.

Living at my grandparent's home wasn't as luxurious as some may think some days. This due to their passion over education. My eldest uncle still lived at home as well and he was a teacher, so this didn't help make my childhood any easier. I was sometimes confined to the room to do revision when the younger ones were allowed to roam free. On one such occasion my aunt and family was visiting from Gasparillo. My grandparents used to have a very open door policy at their home and although I shared a bed from time to time with my grandmother, no one was restricted from any part for any reason. As had become usual practice from the time I entered Standard Five, I was in the room, revising. This was also around the time I entered into puberty. My uncle, the religious fanatic, the one who was vehemently opposed to the idea of women wearing jewellery, make up and pants, the uncle who proclaimed to know all about God and Jesus, yes that very same uncle, entered the room.

I was lying on the bed casually, I remember it vividly and I know that there was nothing provocative or suggestive about the way I was lying there reading my book and trying to internalize my work so that I could get to go play with the others. My uncle or rather my aunt's husband ( I cringe even to this day at the term of endearment in reference to him) he came over to me, leaned over me and began caressing my feminine private parts. Words cannot truly express the shock which clouded my brain. I couldn't even bring myself to tell him to stop it. I couldn't scream or call out to anyone. "Your aunt told me you started your period." he said. "You getting to be a big girl now." "Let me kiss you like a big girl." The initial shock hadn't even worn off and before I could even breathe the lecherous man stuck his tongue into my mouth. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever experienced in my life, even to this day. Almost as abruptly as he had entered the room, he left.

I lay there, ashamed of myself. I felt as though I had done something to deserve what had happened. No-one had told me anything about good touches and bad touches and as such I wasn't particularly sure if I had deserved such treatment. What I did know is the fact that I wasn't sure if I were to say anything if anyone would believe me. After all, my uncle was a Christian and very involved in church. A mixture of uncertainty, fear and shame prevented me from saying anything. I started avoiding my uncle however and any chance to have physical contact was met with absolute opposition. No one could understand my apparent change in disposition and it was brushed aside as hormonal. I made a concerted effort to avoid any chance of being alone with my uncle. But there were a few other times where I unavoidably ended up alone with him and again he fondled me in what he called a 'big girl' way and kissed me as well. I eventually threatened to tell my grandmother, which to this day I have never done and he stopped.

He continued being a part of church and they continued visiting as the years went by. I never bore my aunt or cousins in mind but would make numerous excuses to avoid them when they came or if anyone decided to go Gasparillo to visit them. I wonder sometimes, if my mind has conjured up those events and if my imagination has led me to believe that they truly occurred. Years later my uncle while working as an engine room attendant on board a tug boat, got his hand unexplainably caught in between the gears and he got three fingers on one hand crushed.  I wondered to myself then if this were the Lord's way of extracting vengeance for the wrongs done by those very hands. Further to that, a while later both his kidneys failed rather unexpectedly and in a matter of days he died.

To say that I wasn't somewhat happy when my uncle died would be a lie. I was saddened by his demise if for the sake of my aunt and two young cousins who would now have to grow up fatherless. But I had no remorse, all that played and replayed in my mind was the disgusting ordeal I had to endure as a result of his licentious ways. At the funeral everyone cried uncontrollably. How could God be so unfair and unjust to take such a righteous man away so prematurely from his family? I shed no tears, I stood stone faced and stone hearted in wonder at the Lord extraction of justice.

24.01.13 A case worth studying?

29 year old primary school teacher, by birth from rural south Trinidad, relocated to East Trinidad for work and to pursue tertiary studies. Born to an adulterous, physically abusive mother-a janitor  and an alcoholic father- a labourer at present, both chronic smokers and gamblers.  Her brother is three years younger than she is and they are relatively close, she believes though that he can do no wrong in the eyes of her mother. This continues to put a strain on the relationships at home. She spent most of her childhood and teenage years at the home of her maternal grandparents. Her father's mother died when he was a child and his father remarried, he never had any formal school due to childhood illness and therefore was 'condemned' by some of his own siblings to a life of 'destitution'. She therefore never felt loved and welcomed by his family and as such limited her interaction with them. She feared and hated her mother, for the fact that she had numerous men other than the girl's father and for the fact that she would beat the girl for any and every possible misdemeanor and with whatever she laid her hand upon, from belt to broom handle.

She fulfilled her father's family's supposed self fulfilling prophesy and after writing Common Entrance she attended Junior and Senior Secondary Schools. At her first attempt at CXC she gained a 2 in Biology, 3's in English Literature, English Language and Chemistry. She got 4's in Physics and Mathematics. By fate's intervention as well as the keen interest taken by her mother's eldest brother- a teacher and his wife, she was able to go back to school full time and went on the attain, the very next year, distinctions in English Language and Literature and 2's in Biology and Mathematics. She got a 3 again in Chemistry, which she then wrote privately at GCE level and gained a passing grade, C.

At 19, much to the surprise of her father's family, she began teaching, thanks to active involvement in the church by both her maternal and paternal families. She went on to become a leader in her youth group and then became actively in planning and executing events for youth in her church at a national level. At 21 she became further involved with the church by becoming an elder. Because of this involvement she has had opportunities to represent her church at various youth gatherings throughout the country and also travelled out of the country due to linkages formed stemming from her participation and contributions in different aspect of her church life.

Over the years she has struggled with her weight and acne thanks to early onset polycystic ovaries. She also struggled with negative feelings of self worth and competency. This in spite of her apparent successes and rise above obvious hurdles. The labels which her father's family tried to assign sometimes make her feel inadequate and incapable of being truly successful. How can she deal with this when she has obviously surpassed many of her cousins both socially and academically, as well as exceed her family's expectations and even her own in her life?