18.04.13 All shall be well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frhVr-kOor4

At the beginning of this course I was deeply troubled, I realized that I had suppressed a lot of insecurities and emotions. My emotions were haggard from the constant need to live up to expectations, those of family, those of friends and even those from acquaintances. I realized however that everyone has problems and if a person were to say that things are always fine in their life, then that is a cause for concern.

Resilience is born out of the constant struggle for equilibration or equilibrium. When life pushes one down the natural human reaction is to strive to get back up. More often than not the fallen one will rise up, stronger than before and with a renewed sense of purpose and direction. I believe that I have overcome many hurdles in my life. Through this course I have been able to face myself, something I avoid doing at all costs. I have come to a better understanding of my strengths but especially my weaknesses and I know that even in my weaknesses there is strength.

I now feel better equipped to go out and continue striving towards my goal of giving back to society by becoming a counselor so that through my own experiences I can help someone who may be in a similar quandary such as mine develop resilience and learn that life is all about conquering your fears, acting in courage and simply living it out in the best way possible simply because the only way through it is to actually go forward.

I have the assurance by my faith and the corroboration via this course to say boldly and firmly that it is well with my soul. Or in the words of Sizzla and Buju Banton..."All shall be well!" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPPSG_SpojY

11.04.13 What I believe is meant by COUNSEL

C- clear expectations of what is to come

O-observing and obtaining vital information

U-using the time to understand the child

N-not judging and letting emotions run wild

S-speaking freely and in confidentiality

E-ensuring that a safe environment is set

L-letting go of inhibitions and fears

04.04.13 Am I in a movie?

Sara was the obvious leader of the girls in the class, they allowed her to push them around and did whatever she wanted to do. She was verbally abusive to all and knew just what to say to rub some of the others the wrong way. Kris was known as the class clown, he was disruptive and all of the teachers knew him by name. Mark hated the world and everyone in it, he felt betrayed and hurt because of his parents' divorce and had made himself into a pity party, nothing was worth his time or efforts and he wasn't even going to bother trying. Jason too was a victim of divorce however while he struggled with feelings of low self worth he still tried to push forward to the best of his abilities. These four stood out to me above the rest after interacting with the class for a few weeks. This was my first class out of University (made reference to in previous post) and they were remarkably different from any other I had ever taught. They even pushed me to the point of tears.

As I looked at the movies Freedom Writers and The Ron Clarke Story, I realized that both shows depicted scenes with which I could relate. For one the conflict which existed in my classroom was very reminiscent of that which Mrs. G experienced in hers, and while mine didn't stem from racial tensions it did come about as a result of socioeconomic differences. In addition, Shameika Wallace's character reminded me very much of Sara and like Mr. Clarke I too was able to utilize Sara's 'authority' of the greater good of the entire class. Sara loved to sing, she was ecstatic when she was chosen to be a part of the school's choir. One criteria however for being in the choir was the class teacher's recommendation and since she didn't want to be removed she started complying with rules and following procedures. As mentioned before, since she was the leader of the 'pack', with her attitude change came a transformation in the others as well.

Kris and I were able to sort through his disruptiveness, he expressed to me time and again his desire to change and begged me through tears not to tell his parents of his every infraction. Through the use of behaviour contracts he was able to settle down fairly well. He too was a natural born leader and he commanded the respect of the boys and the change in his attitude brought about a change in theirs as well.  Mark lashed out at me and would love me some days but hated me and his mother most of the others. As the year progressed his behaviour would see saw back and forth. He tested my patience and made me question myself as a person and as a teacher, I reached out to him but he didn't seem to respond favourably. One day he lashed out so much that my anger boiled to the point where it overflowed. He sent him immediately to the Vice Principal and was so livid that I picked up his bag with every intention of hauling it over the school's banister, luckily good sense prevailed and I was able to walk down the front steps, beating him to the Vice Principal's desk. She realized that was the breaking point for us both and she also realized that he needed a strong male figure in his life and as such he was moved from my class and placed in the class of the only other male in the department.  As for Jason, I realized his creativity lay in his use of art to express himself and I was able to build on those, he had seemed used to being put down and being made to feel unworthy. He expressed time and again that I was the best teacher ever and I strongly believe it's because I believed in him and made him believe in himself.

When I got the class we were to have embarked on a two year programme together. I was to take them through STD 4 and STD 5, however due to some circumstances which I put down now as fate, I was moved at the end of the STD 4 academic year. The tears on the day they found out I was no longer going to be their teacher made it clear to me that I had done something right by these children. The phone calls I received from parents who couldn't finish thanking me for what I had done and how unfair it was not only to the children but to me, this removal, made me realize I had done something right. In many ways I feel that this experience was the final nail which drove me to pursue the Masters in Education with a focus in Youth Guidance. There are many children in the educational system today who are treated unfairly and labelled as social misfits and incapable of doing right. I have interacted with so called misfits and I know once treated fairly, even the worst children display a turnaround. I wonder if my experiences will ever be made into a movie? 

14.03.13 I am not the problem, they are! Issues with others.

They were by far the most socially inept bunch, obviously placed together by some ill twist of fate and with my luck they became mine. Fresh out of University in 2010, I came to work in the East-West corridor, a far cry from the rural area I had been born and raised in. I was running from something and the northern part of the country at the time was the furthest place I could run to. I had no expectations really, after five grueling years of study I was ready to get back to work. I was ready to put into practice those strategies we covered extensively at UTT. Assessment and Management, Mathematics, Science, Social Studies and Language Arts.

Nothing I covered at University prepared me for what I was to meet. Twenty four students, a small class by the standards of the school. The largest I had ever taught. Somehow it seemed they had not negotiated the first four stages of Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages efficiently and as such were maladjusted. There was mistrust, they didn't think that any adult in the educational system at least had their well being at heart. They doubted their abilities and did not think that they were capable of accomplishing anything, even the simplest of tasks. They lacked initiative and simply refused to attempt anything new and out of what htey were used to. And finally they had serious inferiority complexes. It was amazing to me and overwhelming as well that such a situation would exist with an ENTIRE class of students. Not only did they have conflict within themselves, feelings of low self worth and low self efficacy, born out of flaws in the educational system, but they also had issues with each other. Most of these children had spent their entire primary academic life together yet there was a habit of verbal abusiveness, chronic complaining, teasing, tattling and overall resistant behaviour.

Their parents didn't help the situation either, if anything they compounded the problem. For example, I asked a parent to meet with me concerning her child's social ineptitude. Before I could even go into the issues I had with her daughter she proceeds to tell me of instances which had occurred in first and second years. She continually made references to these and even began crying as if to prove how badly hurt she and her child were by all of this.

At the end of the academic year however, I saw growth and improvement in their interaction with each other. This stemming from the fact that I treated each of them fairly and made them feel as if they were worth something to me. (and they were) We established rules for the class as well as consequences for their actions. I was able to identify the pupils who were the catalyst for classroom disruptions and gave them various leadership roles thereby channeling their abilities in a different direction.  I created an environment where they were free to express themselves and their feelings, without the negativity and without snickering and jesting from their peers. I even played sport and interacted with them on a level that wasn't just about me being the teacher and the sole individual of authority but I was also their friend and I wanted them to be comfortable enough with me to come and speak to me about anything which was troubling them.

These children have now gone on to secondary school and I was proud to see them go because when they left the school two years after I had interacted with them, I know they left better suited to fit into the moral fabric of society and in years to come would be functional adults. 

28.02.13 Who am I? My struggles with self.

2.25am

Rage claws at its self made cage, To get out, to stay in!

The anger wells up, spilling over. An abscess festering and rank. 

Play and replay, a vicious, punishing tool- the mind.

The averse victim. Why this sentence? What was the crime?

Confusion shares this cruel space, off in a corner, displaced.

Would things have been different, if...if...and if...?

Embattled, embittered this soul plagued and distressed

How? When? Why? The paradigm shift!

The fake smile plastered onto a resilient spirit,

Masks the rage and confusion, keeps them at bay.

Their battles pacified semi-permanently.

Will they emerge? Will they overpower her one day? 

Victoria Avian Rajkumar

21.02.13 Gone too soon?

The song by Puff Daddy and Faith Evans for the rapper the late Notorious BIG, "I'll be missing you." succinctly pulls together the feelings of loss experienced by anyone who has ever had to deal with the death of a loved one. My father lost his biological mother at a very young age and while many heralded the new year with eagerness for bright things to come, my family had to deal with anguish, loss, confusion and pain. My father's eldest sister died in her sleep at the age of 65, her demise came with no fore warning, she was alive and lively just hours before and the next thing I know is I am jolted out of my bed on the first day of the new school term with news that she had passed away. The loss of my aunt was the hardest one we have had to deal with collectively. She was the surrogate mother to all of her siblings and for a number of years I thought she was my grandmother, since she had grandchildren who were in and around my own age. Something about today made me not feel like going to class and as I entered and heard the discussion it dawned on me. Today my aunt would have celebrated her sixty sixth birthday, only last year we celebrated with the pomp and flair my family is known for, her sixty fifth. It's hard not having the matriarch of my paternal family around. I look at my forty two year old cousin, the one who had the unfortunate role of being the first to find my aunt's lifeless body and realize that Kubler-Ross Stages of grief aren't limited by boundaries of age, class, creed or gender. I know that as family members we try to cushion the loss especially for him by trying to comfort each other, spending time together and trying to continue with life as normal as possible. But the truth of the matter is, life will never be the same again. Family gatherings will never be the same again. "Limes" will never be the same again and at some point in time we are all going to have to come to terms with that. Today however doesn't seem as if it's going to be that day. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc2K10CrThw

07.02.13 Bottom's up?

I'll drink to that!

Cheers to the weekend, cheers to ah new year

Cheers just cuz is Friday, Pass me a beer.

Bottoms up and glasses raised,

Let's drink and be merry, get with the craze.

A shot fuh de worms never hurt even a child,

Two shots, you're a teenager but no need to run wild.

A sip to help you study better, two sips to aid with sleep.

Before you even know it, you're in way too deep.

"Rum is meh lover, closer than ah bother."

It will never horn me, it will never leave me.

Ah bottle, ah nip, ah half to make you laugh

You find reasons to make glasses clink.

Your wallet is empty and your tabs are high,

You can try all you want but you can't deny,

That shot for the worms started your demise.

Do you really always need alcohol to socialize?

Victoria Avian Rajkumar